Miss J submitted an amazing story to become a Glambassador and after I had the girls in my studio, there may have been some tears as she shared her past with us. This beautiful, brave, strong girl had a story so much like myself and I knew I had made the right decision in asking her to go through this experience. I am going to let her share her story with you because, well, she tells it much better than I ever could.
I remember sitting in the desks at school, and feeling my wide thighs leak over the sides of the chair. I remember being hunched over, grasping my belly into my hands, so mad at myself for being this way. Comparing myself to other girls was something I did every day, and every day I always came up short. I always wondered what I did wrong, why me… why did I have to be overweight. Why not her, or her? I was called fat and lazy and ugly so many times that those words didn’t even register after a while. I remember hating myself.
Throughout the years, I was bullied by everyone, but perhaps in a less direct, more subtle and more painful way. I would hear hollow statements from condescending sympathizers like, “oh, it’s what is on the inside that counts” or “but your face is so pretty” or “maybe if you lost like twenty pounds…” At the time, these comments made me angry, but I directed it towards myself, not others.
I hated being naked. I played sports and was quite active, which meant I had to change in front of others. I remember strategically planning my underwear and bra, to show as little as possible, arriving early to change, and being ashamed if anyone saw my belly. By now, there were bright red stretch marks everywhere. I avoided mirrors and especially pictures. I was good in sports, often considered one of the best defensemen on my Ringette team. I would have moments of excitement and pride, when I was able to stop goals or clear the zone. But that feeling never left. Sometimes I forgot about it, sure enough though, it would rear it’s ugly voice, reminding me that I am not good enough. Too fat. Too big. Too gross. Disgusting.
Years later, my body issues exploded into something far more complicated than I could have imagined. Infertility. Married, and ready to start a family, again, I was left wondering why me… why did this happen to me? I was (and am) so incredibly lucky to have such a supportive husband, who stood beside me, and we walked along my journey of infertility together. Still, my hatred for my body only grew, and never would I think I would be involved in boudoir. I did not like being naked. I hated being in a bathing suit. I did not own one piece of lingerie. It did not change for me until I became a Mom of four children in need of a safe and loving home. My daughter looked up to me, and I never wanted to make her feel like I felt. Over the course of a year, and with the help of surgery, I lost over one hundred pounds. Although this helped me keep up with my kids, I still had the ugly voice in my head, telling me I was not good enough. With a lot of work and support, I began to value myself.
I hear these amazing rewards from my children, when they talk about sticking up for heavier children who are bullied, or seeing a picture of me from before my weight loss, telling me I was just as beautiful as I am now, or that I am the same great Mom I always have been. They probably have no idea how much that means to me.
So when I found myself e-mailing Teri, telling her why I want to be a Glambassador, I honestly never thought that I would be considered. When she chose me though, I knew I was ready. The night before my shoot, I bought my first piece of lingerie. When I arrived, I was predictably nervous and worried. I was convinced I wouldn’t be able to pose properly, or that my face would look awkward. Sometimes it is so amazing to be wrong.
Teri was incredibly warm and welcoming. She explained the poses so well, and was patient when I was struggling to get in the right pose. Teri also said that not every picture will turn out great, but I will not see any unless they are. That really helped me let loose and go for it. It wasn’t long into the shoot when I was fully naked, lying on a bed, having photographs taken, and feeling completely comfortable. More than comfortable, I felt empowered, happy, and worthy.
The following week, I went into her studio again to have my reveal session. Of course I was nervous, not knowing how the pictures would turn out. During my slideshow, two things happened. I could not believe the muscles in my body, and how I looked from a different point of view. I had never seen myself from these perspectives, it was incredible. The second thing that happened, was I noticed my stretch marks. I noticed their white, wiggly lines trace my belly, arms, and breasts. For the first time in my life, these lines were celebrated.
I did not feel ashamed. I loved myself more that day. I continue the battle that most women face, to love themselves and feel worthy. Teri definitely contributed to my self-worth in a fun, creative, and powerful way.
Perhaps the best part, after I went through with Teri which photos were keepers, I got to share them with some of my close friends and my partner. It only gave me more reassurance and confidence to see their reactions, affirmations, and amazement. And just like that, the conversation changed from, “you have a pretty face” to “wow, you are beautiful” to “I am beautiful.” That last leap was in part because of Teri, and her remarkable ability to take women of all shapes, sizes, backgrounds, and insecurities and make them feel beautiful.
Miss J opened up big time for her session and she exuded such...confidence and strength in her photos, and it wasn't because of her body, but rather because of the self work that she has done over the past few years to truly start to love herself for WHO she is rather than WHAT she looks like.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?{ranty post} ~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photography
Mr. D came to the studio ready to kill his session. I mean, can you believe this guy has an eight-year old?? Look at that bod! There's no waaaaay, he's had a kid....no possible way. And 31?? I doubt it. He looks so good for his age.
Do we realize how fucking ridiculous that sounds? I have yet to see this shit on a post of a man. While surviving any birthday and the ability to have children are milestones not awarded to many, I don't think the intent of people commenting these things are thinking of that perspective. I am in far too many photographer groups/facebook groups/and social communities where this bullshit chatter is the norm...in regards to women. Whenever a photo of a woman who fits the stereotypical societal standards of beauty is posted, there is a caption and comments that applaud her for "looking so good after having babies" and "This woman just gave birth and she looks sooooo good".....ummmm....I am not saying don't appreciate the women who fall into the societal standard of beauty nor am I saying don't celebrate the ability of women to have children....I am saying we need to stop saying shit like this and reducing women to their capacity to have children AND maintain a svelte figure. We can appreciate beauty without saying shit like "CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE HAS 3 CHILDREN??? OMG I WOULD DIE TO LOOK LIKE THAT!" It just continues to perpetuate the fallacy that women need to get back to a pre-baby body (which, fyi, is technically impossible unless you are willing to shove your baby back up your hoo ha) Same thing with the age thing...."SHE LOOKS SO AAAAMAZING FOR 65"....MAYBE SHE DOES LOOK AMAZING, BUT IT'S NOT DESPITE HER NUMBER OF YEARS ON THIS PLANET!! When we say things like this, it continues to remind women that they have to uphold a certain look or aesthetic despite having children, getting older, etc. Can we just stop please? Next time you are viewing and appreciating a woman's beauty, try to refrain from using phrases like that. Next time you are having a chat with your friends, avoid saying things like "Omigod, you look so good for just having a baby" or "You age beautifully" and while people may look beautiful and "so good" you don't need to tack on the reason why you are SURPRISED they look so good...it's a shitty thing to do and I assume you are a good human. So, after this ranty post, I urge you to listen to the conversations around you, online and in person, compliment people for their qualities, both physical and not, be mindful of the chatter you are contributing to...oh and enjoy some photos of Mr. D who delightfully shared his life and time with me so I COULD write this ranty post.
Paige {Pittsburgh Travel Diaries} ~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photography
Miss Paige came up before, when I had done my post on Taco-ternity and my ode to my tum, but our session together was something special. Paige and I had first met in San Fran and immediately clicked. This woman has the most beautiful heart and soul and cares for everyone beyond measure. She may seem all heart, but this babe is also full of sass. Paige is a fierce model as well as an awesome photographer and sometimes I don't think she understands just how phenomenal she is once the camera is turned on her, but she comes to life when she talks about her clients and the women she helps overcome body image issues, in a similar fashion to me. She embraces her curves, she openly accepts her *gasp* double chin, and she works hard to help women reach the same level of acceptance with their bodies. What better way, though, than having your own photo shoot done to showcase your love for your bod in all it's beauty? Also, funny story, while we were so excited to do the water shoots, I don't think Paige was expecting to get waterboarded....I accidentally pressed too hard on the hose and almost drowned the poor girl! Anyhow, read about her experience being on the other side of the camera below:
As a boudoir photographer, myself, I've been fangirl stalking Teri for a while now, probably close to a year or so! When I got to meet her and work with her in San Francisco this Spring for Denise Birdsong's Stripped Down Retreat I was giddy. When we hit it off as friends, though I was ecstatic! 
It's rare as a photographer to find other photographers that you can just chat with openly about ideas, about experiences, about being a plus size babe that wants to help empower other plus size babes. No crazy competition, no insane jealousy or cattiness. Don't believe me? Step into one of the more dramatic Facebook groups geared toward photographers. Unless you're a big, well-known name- it's easy to feel lost or like your value is less-than those around you. Teri has more creativity and talent in her little finger than most dream of having their entire lives. But never once has she made me feel less-than. Instead, she's inspired me to go the extra mile, be the extra support to my friends and clients, to give the extra compliments to strangers, and to just be an all-around better version of me. She's an overwhelming force of empowerment and positivity that effects everyone in her path! 
Teri, myself and our amazing friend Stephanie Wells (The Girlfriend Experience Boudoir) got pretty close over our weekend in San Francisco. While there, we planned a trip for Teri and I to visit with Stephanie in Pittsburgh over the summer where we would photograph a couple of model clients and take turns photographing each other.
I've been photographed by other boudoir photographers. Each experience is completely different than the last. Being a very plus size woman, a size 24, and knowing that Teri specialized in posing and photographing plus size bodies- I was beyond excited to be photographed by her! I was actually less nervous to be photographed by her than I was to photograph my two photographer friends that I look up to so much. Teri has this way of talking to you about your body in a way that makes you feel completely at ease. 
Girl had me nekkid in less than 10 minutes! Let me tell you, getting nekkid was NOT on my list of things to do in Pittsburgh!
To say I was a little nervous about seeing some of the images (especially the nude ones or ones without a fully supportive bra) would be the understatement of the year. I've always thought I carried myself with a decent amount of confidence. But, when I found myself naked and vulnerable in front of Teri's camera, I actually found that I had been hiding all of (what I considered) my flaws and insecurities behind cleverly placed crops and specifically-fitted wardrobe. I had accepted my body, but had never really embraced it up until then. 
I had accepted that my boobs weren't sitting perky like they did before I had experienced 2 full pregnancies and lost 3 others. I had accepted that I have a fat belly and extra skin, I had accepted that my body is dimpled and scarred in places that I don't want it to be. All of those things I could cover up and carry on with my life and pretend like they don't exist and be confident in the appearance I was presenting to the world. But on that day- I embraced those things that I usually try to hide. And you know what? It was beautiful.
I felt free.
Teri sent the images over and there were tears. Over and over. I had never seen those parts of my body in all their naked glory and felt anything but disgust and hate. Is that me? That is me! All of the little pieces that I've picked at for 28 years were laid out in front of me, and you know what? I didn't hate them. I actually loved them. Those are some of my favorite images I've ever seen of myself because they're me, they're real. My perfect imperfections and all.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to repay Teri for the gift she gave to me that day, but I know I'm glad that fate had us cross paths and become friends. 
Do you want to feel free? Are you ready to stop using size, shape or any body excuse and embrace where you are right now in this one life you are given? If so, send me a message and let's sit down for a chat to see if we are a good fit for each other!
But I Don't Want To Have Babies (Can I Still Love My Tummy?) ~ Winnipeg Empowerment Photography
As a photographer that has the privilege of photographing women on a weekly basis, I get to hear about the insecurities, the concerns and the way they feel about their bodies. I'm also a trend/statistic geek, so I enjoy keeping a mental tab on the parts of the body that women detest the most. I don't think it will surprise anyone to hear that the majority of women loathe their stomachs. It doesn't matter what size a woman is, the dreaded tum is the body part that gets the most hate from the most amount of people....unless they are carrying a baby. I have had the opportunity to photograph countless maternity sessions in my time, and women can hardly wait to show me their tums....cooing and awwing over how much they love this bump (which I get because the bump symbolizes what is INSIDE and of course, babies are awesome!). But as soon as the baby is born, moms and women are quick to cover up, squish and rage on their beautiful stomachs. And I get it, change is not easy. You go from being one size, to growing a baby, to loose skin, stretch marks, and an "transformed body" which you maybe weren't prepared for....but what stumps me, is the celebration of all tummies when it is for someone else (the baby), but a shaming of tummies when it's for the individual (because God forbid a woman love her tum [insert eye roll] and you may be the type of person that wants to start in with how concerned you are for my health and the health of other chubs, so if that's you, then kindly remove yourself from following my blog, my fb, and maybe just get a life in general...if that's not you, then YAY! You are an awesome human!)
And then, there are those of us that will never experience the joy of childbirth and seeing our tummies expand because of growing a human being...does this make me less valuable? I don't think so...I pay my taxes, empower women, am nice to humans, and do my part for the environment...I think myself and my tum are okay! But when women come in for their consult they talk about wanting to cover up their tummies...REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEIR TUM LOOKS LIKE!!! This drives me crazy, because first of all, when you are naked at home you will see the truth...you will see your tum as it is: this could be rolly, soft, tight, ab-ed(?), squishy, marked up, loose, swollen, flat, etc. so wouldn't it make more sense to get comfortable with what your tum looks like so that it's not "shocking", as many women have apologized to me about (which btw, bodies aren't shocking to me!)
So, when I was in Pittsburgh, I enlisted the help of my friend Paige Rynberg of Fearlessly You Boudoir to create what we affectionately nicknamed TACO-TERNITY photos. I don't have a blessed baby in my tum (and never want to), but I have a fat tum that is the result of probably too much sitting at my desk + Skip the Dishes food + genes.
Just because I didn't get impregnated with a human being does not make my body any less valuable to the world....just because I choose not to have a growing baby in my womb doesn't mean I can't celebrate the tummy that I do have, that allows me to go about my day empowering women left, right and center. I just think we need to be more okay in celebrating our bodies at all junctures of our lives and not just when we create life, because whether or not we choose to, it's just not in the cards for some of us and to think that we can't have celebratory photoshoots with our tums is kind of silly, don't you think?
Essentially, what I'm saying, is that there ain't no shame in the tum game regardless of what your tum looks like. It's there, it's keeping you alive, it adds about a foot to your height, it's a nice soft spot for cuddles, and most importantly, it's JUST a tum. YOU are more than just a tum. I'm not saying you have to do a taco-ternity shoot, of course, but you should be allowed to document and show off the body that you have right now because it is keeping you alive and providing you a vessel to move about the world affecting others in a (hopefully) positive way. If you are wanting and ready to celebrate your body as is, in all it's perfection, then hit me up with an email and let's document your amazing self!
The Tapestry of Her Life's Story ~ Winnipeg Boudoir Photography
I consider Miss S to be a good friend in addition to an awesome client. I mean, this babe will literally go to the ends of the world for the people in her life...who doesn't want someone like that in their life?? Well, we were supposed to do maternity photos for her, but if you remember the time I had someone go into labor while they were in hair and makeup, then you will be happy to know it was Miss S and the baby that arrived about 4 hours after we sent her to the hospital is Mr. T (above). Miss S came to my studio to paint my wall for me (because my attention to detail is shit and she showed up with her own professional brush!) so in exchange she was the first babe photographed on the wall and since she was a new mom, we also had Mr. T join us for the occasion. I literally never have babies in my studio during a session, but this was a bit different because we wanted to document something different.This is the season of her life now. Just when we would get into a sexy pose, Mr. would cry for his momma (he was hungry) and while we tried to continue, it was easier to stop and feed him, but during this time we also got some of my favorite photos of forever. For Miss S's shoot, this time around (she had done a shoot with me the year prior when I was in Vegas), I wanted her acknowledge her mom bod and really see it for what it was so I only lightly edited the images. I wanted to showcase her swelling breasts which provide sustenance to her baby, I wanted to show her the amazingness that is the body's ability to inflate and deflate, growing life while doing so. I wanted to show her that motherhood doesn't mean a lack of sexiness, it means a change in mind as to what sexy is. I wanted her to see that her body, while different, is a wonderful thing that is capable of so, so much (including climbing a 10ft ladder without falling off!!). Lastly, I wanted her to see that this is a new season of her life and her body is being used in a different fashion that it was before. Right now, it may seem like it's no longer hers, but the purpose of providing life and sustenance to her little dude seems to be a pretty important task...to add the task of fitting into "societal beauty standards" and the "yummy mummy bod" would be rude. She is beautiful, gorgeous, and changed from the experience of having a child. Miss S wrote her own experiences in her blog here , explaining that she finally feels "at home" in her body!! I highly recommend checking it out!
Her body is not ruined, it has evolved.Her body is not ruined, it is a map of the terrain her body weathered while growing a life, giving birth, and continuing to feed. The blue rivers stretch to feed her baby, the shallow valleys of her skin tell the story of her body's journey, and mountain ridges of scar tissue while red now, will eventually erode, falling into the tapestry of her life's story.Her body is not ruined.
{This was the moment when Mr T decided to poo all over his momma's arm.}
